just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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