Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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