my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize