i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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