apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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