I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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