Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
