Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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