Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
