I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
