I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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