I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
