Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
this hospital has no fireball
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
