I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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