did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
