if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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