We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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