remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
