You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
