6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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