"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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