This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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