i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
