if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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