I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
