I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
