saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
