dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
