Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
