Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
