I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
