So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
