If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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