I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
