my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
