My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
