I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
