The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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