i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
