she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
