Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
