I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize