Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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