can u get pink eye on your cock?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize