I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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