Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
