How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
