So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
