im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
