My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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