I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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