I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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