now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
