I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
