Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
