Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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