if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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