I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
