At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i think i just lost a toe
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
