I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
