You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
