Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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