Rock
Scissors
Fuck
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I AM VODKA MAN
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize